How To: Involuntarily Be Named a Trainwreck

Begin your career at a young age. Start with Disney and then move on to bigger and better things, like solo stardom and music videos in little schoolgirl uniforms.

Have five number one singles on your first album alone.
Release four subsequent albums with just as much success.
Become known for your amazing hair.
Star in a movie.
Come out with your own perfume line.
Rank as the number one most powerful celebrity, according to a very prestigious magazine.

Date a fellow pop-star for several years while still seeming virginal. After you break up, go on a binge of dating other fellas that don’t quite fit the bill. Admit to losing your virginity many, many years ago.

Make out with Madonna on national television.

Get wasted and marry your friend in Vegas. Annul the marriage after 55 hours. Start dating one of your back up dancers with a bad reputation and two kids of his own. Get married a few months later, white trash style with chicken fingers as the main course at your wedding.

Have two kids within a year and two days.
Get divorced a year later, citing irreconcilable differences.

Become BFF with Paris Hilton.
Start partying too much and become the center of the media frenzy.
Show your crotch whenever you get out of a car or limo.
Shave your head, get a tattoo.
Drink A LOT of Starbucks.
Go to rehab for less than 24 hours.
Lose custody of your children to a man that could have made Jeff Foxworthy look classy.

Make sure people are taking pictures when you decide to get out of your car and frolic in your skivvies on the beach. Also, smash windows of paparazzi cars with umbrellas.

Have an opportunity for a come-back with a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. Screw it up. Forget your dance moves. Have people compare you to a sloth on ketamine.

Party more. Make sure the paparazzi take more photos of you looking like a waste-case and showing your crotch. Wear clothes that don’t compliment your body.

Miss court dates. Multiple times.

Get Baker-Acted and escorted out of your home on a gurney for kidnapping your own children.


4 Responses

  1. Only 1 number one single in the US…


  2. 9 in the world. ;)

  3. nice.
    fyi – it’s only called “baker act” in florida, every state has a different name for the Involuntary Psychiatric Inpatient Order. ;P

    • Weird! How did you end up on this post? I just wrote a new one for Lindsay Lohan yesterday…

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