The Hills are alive with the sound of drama.

And so it starts: “Let me do what I want if you don’t care.” Heidi is starting to sound like her twin fiancée! Um, hi guys, a wedding is not something to be ambivalent about. Anyway, let’s talk about this church thing going on with this show. Mayhaps another reason that SoCal was on fire — Heidi and Spencer looking to get married. Spawns of the devil in church… yep, that sounds about right.

I love how black nail polish is “in.” I said a few weeks ago that I was going to get my nails done that color, but then felt… so goth and picked a lighter, more pink color. Okay, it was bright pink. But maybe when I get a manicure this week, it’ll be darker.

So, Whitney and her trainer… he’s cute. They’re cute. What is not cute, however… her pants. Inverse of a candy cane? Where’s Waldo cut in half? Confused zebra? Okay, I could go on for another ten minutes about that, but I’d rather rag on Heidi-Spencer and their wedding planning…

And Spencer’s fake wedding enthusiasm. Ugh, this is such bad acting. Get married and divorced already. But PLEASE, do not pro-create.

Why is Whitney not talking about being in the Hollywood scene? She hangs out with Lauren Conrad. She planned the Young Hollywood Party. She flew to New York to co-host the Legally Blonde Musical. I mean, even though that’s in New York… THAT IS STILL HOLLYWOOD. Silly Whitney.

And we’re back to HeidiSpencer. And his hair brained idea of eloping to Vegas. What? Really? This idea was just as bad as the graffiti “art” on the wall. Such a bone head. He’s nothing without Brody Jenner. Aaaaaaaand the engagement ring is left on one of the bride magazines. Then Spencer walks out with suitcase? What’s going on? OH, I know. He must have gone to elope with himself. That makes most sense.

[I stopped fast-forwarding through the commercials to watch the MUSICISMYBOYFRIEND iPod Touch commercial. I realize I can just scroll down my blog and watch it whenever I want. But... whatevs. Another commercial comment : i-Sing karaoke?!?!!? I SOOO thought of that years ago. Damn. Someone totally has tap on my brain and its genius.]

So. LC’s hair keeps getting darker and darker. Watch. There is going to be a spin-off spin-off and she will be in New York next year with brown hair. Mark my words. In any event, that would also be for the best so I could stalk her.

Heidi in the kitchen, sad and forlorn, over the sink… reminiscent of Kirsten Cohen a la The OC. She’s just missing her chardonnay. Aaaand Spencer apologizes. Aaaand Alica Keys sings, “Everything is going to be alright” as the sun sets over Los Angeles. OMGOMG I can’t wait until next week. Spencer has a sister! JustinBobby is a sleaze! Life is beautiful in LA, except I’m pretty sure that no one is interested in being Mariah Carey’s new model. Goodnight.