What do you do with a BA in English?

Write important memos:

A Memo to my Ex
Re: Clarification of Love Claim and (In)Securities Involved
Also: My Newfound Trouble with Relationships, in General.*

Dear Ex Girlfriend,

I know that in past few months I had told you several times that I loved you. I am here to clarify, with memorandum, that it’s not so much “love” as it is now “hate.” But it’s not the “pure unadulterated hatred” that you read about in novellas. It’s more like the “you have driven me off the cliff of harboring any other sort of feelings toward you again” sort of hatred. I am going to hate you forever.

See also: you answering the phone with gems like, “What do you want?” And: telling me things like, “Actually, I was ignoring you.” Followed by: a text message the next day saying, “I’m at Disney Land!”

What, pray tell, was I supposed to say to that? A few things ran through my mind.
1. No response. That was the path I should have taken. But we all know that I’m a late bloomer.
2. “I’m starting to understand why your previous girlfriend had a serious amphetamine addiction.”
Finally, 3. “I think you could use some lithium.”

I chose the last option. Not my smartest choice, but I felt like it would be insulting enough had you understood it. However, because we are always faced with an appendage when it comes to things like this, you did not understand my jab. I had to further explain it by saying, “…because you are a fucking bipolar head case.” Followed with: passive-aggressive rebuttals on both of our parts, wishing one another a nice day.

I wonder, now: why did you call me last night? What did you want? I wonder: will you call again? I’m not going to pick up. Please take this note as me seceding from the relationship, absolutely and permanently.

Finally, we come to our most problematic phrase, the colloquialism “forever.” Here I must admit that the language employed in this offer was more hyperbole than serious offering. In amendment, allow me to lay out a few exceptions. Please also note that this list is just a foundation and is subject to change if anything sounds better.

1. You snap out of your psychosis and fly here to personally apologize.
a) said apology requires flowers or jewelry
b) said apology probably also requires tears on your end

2. You quit your job, get the hell outta dodge (in this case, Los Angeles), and regain the personality you had when I first met you which involves none of the following:
a) insults
b) being overly self-involved
c) demeaning everything and anything that I say

As I see it, the list is pretty slim. Redeeming yourself is easier than it’s made out to be. However, I am positive that the above demands will never be met, alas, hatred is decided upon. I hope this finds you well. That was a lie. I secretly hope you have scabies and find that I posted nude pictures of you on the internet.

Best,
Your Ex

*inspired by something I read in McSweeny’s