The mighty all-important question is asked a la Avenue Q, “What do you do with a BA in English?” Well, you work for your father, that’s what! I am documenting exactly, in no exaggerated form, what I’ve been doing with a B.A. in English.
Day 1:
Today, you file 60,000 receipts in numerical order.
…BALLS.
Day 2:
Today, you learn that reading a map isn’t so hard, as you are sent out to run errands at different nursing home facilities. Said facilities are near the beach. Consider ditching work and laying out. Float back down to earth and drive back to work, saddened.
Get lost on the way back, driving down the coast instead of through the town.
—
Day 3:
You figure out the solution to the melting of the polar ice caps! It happens to be that the temperature in the office you work in is perfect for re-freezing them.
Burn your tongue on hot chocolate as a result of this.
—
Day 4:
Learn the true meaning of “TGIF”. Working 9-5 at a desk is the most insipid thing you’ve ever done.
Become really depressed when having to cross patients off the scheduling sheet because they have “expired.” Sigh when there are patient-couples in the same room. Wonder: is love growing old together in a nursing home?
Day 5:
While typing up the schedule for the next week, enter a patient named Kenneth Doll. Think: he probably IS old enough to be the man that the original boyfriend of Barbie was named after.
Also begin to enjoy coffee. Purchase Crest White-strips to combat the adverse affects of this newfound enjoyment.
—
Day 6:
You decide upon the name of your maybe-but-probably-never-going-to-happen son. Allister. Don’t tell your Jewish mother because she will forever nag you about producing said child and also “kvetch” about the name being too “goyish.”
Also try to figure out how to do a case study on the progression of names between the turn of last century and now. No one is named Gladys anymore.
—
Day 7:
Receive your first paycheck. Bang your head on the desk because you will never be paid this much for such mindless work again, ever. Ever. Consider staying here and working longer. Dismiss the notion after 3 seconds.
Decide that listening to The Spill Canvas on your iPod while crossing “expired” patients off of the schedule list is probably the most depressing combination. Much more depressing than Britney’s impression of a sloth on ketamine the other night at the VMA’s.
—
